When people ask why I'm here at the Tania Centre, I tell them I'm teaching. And that's true, but it's not the main reason I'm here. I'm here to love. Teaching is hard, but loving is harder.
Shortly after moving here, one of the centre's dogs started following me around and sleeping outside my room. Her name was Sabina Lady. I became attached to this sweet girl like she was attached to me. But, a few months after she started following me around, she became sick and had to be put down.
A month later, one of the other dogs had her puppies prematurely. Two were stillborn, but one was still fighting when I found them. The mother wasn't taking care of him, so I took him home and did as much research as I could on caring for premature puppies. I spent the better part of eight hours doing nothing but caring for him, and had mentally prepared myself for little sleep for the next few weeks as he would require feedings every two hours. But he didn't make it, and I lost another dog.
A month later, Flash, the 3-month-old puppy of another dog started following me around. I let her in my room and gave her food and let her follow me to class. My students loved her as much as I did. She slept on my school bag while I taught, woke up when class was over, followed me to my next class, and went back to sleep on my bag. But some students who didn't know chicken bones are bad for dogs gave some to Flash, and I stayed up with her all night as she slowly passed away, and there was nothing I could do. This time, my students cried with me.
The student population in our school is very transient compared to many schools in the US, and with less warning than in the US. I woke up one morning to hear that one of my favorite students was being taken back to her guardian's house that day because she was changing schools. I came to school last week to hear that another student I'm very close to had unexpectedly gone home, and no one was sure if or when he'd be back. When we start a new term, I'm always praying that the students return so I can continue building relationships with them, but not all of them do.
Many of the children here have come from difficult pasts, and their young minds are not always able to process what they've been through. It manifests in a wide range of behaviors--sometimes students steal pens and pencils from me, sometimes they bite me, sometimes they manipulate other students. And it's hard.
But not loving would be harder. I may have my heart broken time and again when students leave, when students break my trust, when students disappoint me. It may be wrung over and over as I lose more pets. But this is the cost of love. And I can remember that it hurts so deeply because I have loved and been loved so deeply.
And I will continue to love. I will continue spending free time getting to know these children, encouraging these children, and pouring myself into these children. As I type this, I have a cat sleeping on my lap and a new puppy, who I named Hope, sleeping in her crate by the foot of my bed. And I know that none of these children or pets are truly mine to keep. The children will grow and move onto secondary school, and I won't see them again, or I won't see them more than a few times per year. Some of the students will move to other schools in other parts of the country. I'll move back to the US, and I won't be able to take my pets or my students with me. I know already that my heart will break a thousand more times in the next three years.
But how blessed I am to have so much to love.
"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." --1 John 4:7
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